Very Mysterious

Magic! Pah! I hate magic, don't trust it and don't trust the people that use it. There's something about this Mysterious Stranger that's been following me lately that tells me magic is involved. Damnandblastit! It's that black cloak... and the fact that it doesn't necessarily seem to need it's wearer. Very mysterious. Then there are the bananas. What is it about the bananas? Mysterious, mysterious, mysterious. Damnandblastit, I hate Mysterious Strangers. Pah!

Well I'm not going to do it!

Why does everyone ask me? 'Can you save this poor Princess from a wicked witch?' 'Can you hide this baby prince?' 'Oh, would you mind rescuing a spoilt brat of a princess from a two-headed ogre, please?'. Well the answer is 'NO!', damnandblastit. Ok, so I went ahead and did it anyway in the past, but not any more. Leave me alone, I say, I'm only a woodcutter minding his own business and looking for a peaceful life. I don't need all this hero stuff, damnandblastit... What was that you just said about a reward in gold? Hmmm, well maybe just this once...

Where and when am I?

Damnandblastit! What are these timelines things anyway? One minute it's May and then suddenly it's October. I've missed 4 payments of gold from that idiot Dunwin while this has been going on. I don't know where I am now but there are Snirks running around everywhere, squeeking lots and someone with the same name as me calling me Grandad! Where are my dear horse, Neds, and my lovely quiet little house in the woods? I don't like this one bit...